Today it is hard to think that the decision to move to N.Y. for six months with my six year old, leaving his Dad behind in Hawaii, is a good one. We ate our last meal together for six months (in Denny’s of all places). By the end of the meal we were all tearing up. We came back to the hotel and they had a really hot sauna bath together. Since then our son has been sobbing in his bed because he will miss his Dad. It is really difficult to console him when I feel like joining in as well. Tomorrow when we go to the airport, Keanu will leave us first. He keeps telling us that we are not allowed to cry. I fear that we will be crying the entire way to N.Y.
How can I tell if this is completely wrong or not? Already part of me has deep regrets. Keanu says that he thinks of how happy my Mom will be and that makes him feel OK. I wish that that made me feel OK but it doesn’t. Maybe when we get to N.Y. and we settle in but I just don’t know. I don’t know how to make it right. To make me be able to be with all of the people I care about at one time and in one place. Usually that only happens for weddings or funerals. I can’t wait for either. I have made this choice. We have made this choice and we will be standing by it. This does not stop my heart from feeling like it was ripped out and squashed on the pavement (much like the mound of popcorn we spilled in Disney today.) Unfortunately, unlike the cleaning crews at Disney who spot messes and take care of them immediately, I have a feeling that this will not be easily removed. It will stain and will likely be permanent, the scarring of my heart. I just hope that my son’s youth enables him to recover more readily than I feel I will. We arrive in N.Y. tomorrow early evening.