I spoke to Keanu on the phone late yesterday (NY time). He was in the
middle of the afternoon in HI. It was a Sunday afternoon and he was lying about
watching movies he had rented for $1 at Foodland. He talked about how he felt
disconnected and that he didn’t really want to see anyone. I thought about the
fact that he is living in the shell of his old life. His old life pretty much
centered around me and our son and we are both gone. So he’s got the outside,
the props and the set of his life but he has lost all of the substance. The
characters and the storyline. The plot and the drama. I don’t know what to say to him. I deal with the absence by not dealing with the absence. I just don’t think about it. It
was how I dealt with seeing my Mom for two weeks out of the year. I just didn’t
think about it. It made everything much easier. And it is easy when you are
surrounded by dogs and friends and your family. I am buffered and cushioned.
Keanu has none of that. Think about your family just being gone one day. And
there you are forced to continue in the same exact life but without them. It is
not completely sad because you know that one day they will return to you. It is
very Twilight Zone-ish.
Going through day-to-day with my son, dealing with not having his Dad
around makes me mourn for families going through separations, divorces and
worse. My son gets mad at me and Keanu is not there for him to turn to for
consolation or back up. I worry that I am causing psychological damage. I worry
that this six months will change him completely for the worse. I hope that the
love and understanding provided by his grandmother will help him get through. I
consider creating a countdown calendar for him to cross off days when he will
see his Dad again but then I wonder what message that sends. We are not happy?
Being here is not good?
Keanu said that one of the most difficult things to reconcile is our
six hour time difference. By the time he gets up at six in the morning our day
is half over. I’ll admit that I have already screwed up the figuring out and called him at four in the morning. At first I was concerned because he sounded awful but then I realized that I had awakened him. He is a good sport. I have to say that I really miss hearing his
voice. He doesn’t like his voice but it is unique to him and when we spoke on
the phone yesterday we laughed and chatted as if we were across the room and
not across two oceans. When I first had this grand idea of split time, I
thought that I could do it more than one time. Now that we are in the midst of
it, I am not so sure.