Lead Blanket

Isn’t it a circle of hell to be trapped in paradise? I love my Mom. I
love my son. I love being together. After a month of unemployment, no regular
car access and no child care I can honestly say that I don’t think that I could
be a stay-at-home mom. OK, truth be told, I knew that already and it has just
been reaffirmed. The thing that I didn’t really consider and hadn’t really
impacted me till yesterday is the sense of suffocation I have started to feel. I
realize that there are, well biological catalysts for my feeling this way at
this time, but I also feel like it is honest.

The funny thing about this is that it is likely a self-imposed
containment. My mom is going out with the ladies and attending all of her dog
classes and competitions. She is more than happy to watch her grandson or lend
me the car when it doesn’t interfere with her schedule. Maybe the containment
is more closely related to finances and it is wrapped up with not wanting to
spend any money. It is true that despite my non-incoming income I can go a
little crazy at Target given the opportunity. Staying at home is safe. There is
nothing to spend my money on (let’s not talk about the books I’ve purchased on
my iphone. Or maybe we should. I just read Alice LaPlante’s first novel
entitled, Turn of Mind. It is fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, give it a read. On the other hand, I did not like The Snowman, blech. Read something from Arnaldur Indridason instead.)

I am hoping to air myself out this weekend. My son has asked to attend
my Mom’s dog show thingy with her tomorrow. If that goes through, maybe I can
convince Joe to do some fun non-kid related stuff that doesn’t cost a fortune
(of course my suggestion was to go to Luce Hawkins for drinks. Maybe I don’t
know how to have a cheap time.) My friend Chrissie told me the other day that I
will have to do some things like this. Take a stand. She says that I am stressed.
Keanu says that I am stressed. I don’t feel stressed, just guilty about
ditching the family. Feeling a bit of loss of self as I am constantly adrift in
the group. I assuaged myself last night with a bit of the ol’ Taco Bell
Thursday. The best $2 I didn’t spend (thanks Joe!) Maybe I can be a cheap date
after all.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
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1 Response to Lead Blanket

  1. Jess says:

    Maybe Keanu had a great idea when he said to spend one night a week at Joe’s? Maybe even sans small son? On another note, is there a temp agency in the area? That’s how I found my full time job here after 3 months of searching on my own – had a job within a week.

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