You know when you screw something up? Something that was so simple. As
simple as putting a date on a calendar, making a phone call, checking a website
or looking at some paperwork. Not only does your screw up make you feel stupid
but it could end up costing money you don’t have and making your small son sad.
This screw up is just heaped on top of your life and kind of squashes you. You
know in your head it shouldn’t but when lowness is a friend, one more thing is
too much to bear.
This was me today. The circumstances and story don’t really matter. I
was just feeling bad, badly, awful, stupid, not good. Even though I had just
spoken to Keanu about twenty minutes earlier I had to call him back. Tell him
my stupidity (although I had already texted it to him.) Needed to talk to him.
Yes, he said all of those things that needed to be said. It will be OK. Don’t
worry about it. You’ve got a lot on your mind. There’s a lot going on. You have
been looking for a job. All of these things. Ultimately, these things that
anyone could have, would have said to me, did not really make a difference. Except
for hearing his voice say it. He realized pretty quickly that the well worn
platitudes were not truly making me feel better so he switched tactics and went
for the humor. Knowing me, my family and my current situation as good as or
better than almost anyone, he was able to make me laugh and laugh while the
tears were still streaming down my face. It was genius. It was knowing. It was exactly
what I needed and how I needed it. That knowing that comes from years of Kim experience and trial and error. Knowing the right thing to say, the right way to say it, the right time, when it is too much and just enough. Finesse and skill honed by experience. Pep talk aside, it was the laughter that I needed and he knew it.
I worry that the separation will affect us differently. I feel I may end up being the needier and he will gain strength. Without him I am partial. Held together by wispy memories. I hope he knows that I won’t stop needing him.