Fear and Sadness

There are some things that I just haven’t written about that have
happened over the summer. Things that are scary. Things that are sad. Things
that, if you could erase your memory, maybe you would choose to wipe it out. Or
not. Things that were mentioned but there were never details offered or follow
up provided. Things like the much too soon and extremely sad death of Joe’s dog
Nitro and the night of the hurricane when my son told me that he couldn’t
breathe. That short nerve wracking trip to the ER in the dark, dark streets. These
things…..my Mom told me a story today about a neighbor of my Aunt’s. He is my
age. He fell while clearing stuff from around the house from the hurricane a
day or so ago. My Aunt heard the ambulance. She had seen him and had a bad
feeling. He has shattered some vertebrae and may never walk again. Shattered.

I have been in New York for three months now. Living in my mother’s
house. Existing in my mother’s house. Being in my mother’s house. We have run
together, eaten dinner together, watched TV together, gone to the beach, split
the lawn mowing duties but we have not really gone out together. Not had any
real heart-to-hearts. No dinners out. No pau hana. No wine tasting (maybe once
but it was with Joe and my son). No mother daughter jaunts. Part of this, I
think is due to my Mom’s extreme frugality and the necessity that she be very,
very cautious about how she spends her money. She lives on the edge with no fat
so I understand. It’s OK. It works for her. The thing is that she thinks that I
should live like that too and well, I just can’t. So I do stuff and try not to
tell her. Like going for drinks with Joe or eating a late lunch out at A Mano. Although
half the time I end up just telling her like I did when I was in High School. I
find it hard to lie by omission to her, even now. I wonder if she is bitter
that we haven’t done mother/daughter things. Does it matter when you spend just
about every waking moment together?

Shit, for all the pain and crap I have put my family through to do
this, you’d think I would be having a better outcome. All those platitudes. A
nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there. You can never go home. This
is what springs to mind. Maybe it is all just me. This trip. This trip was
about, getting in the living before the shattered. I can’t say with certainty
that that goal is being accomplished. Will be accomplished. I have three more
months to get on that. To accomplish it enough to make it all worthwhile.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
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3 Responses to Fear and Sadness

  1. Alice says:

    Love the line, “This trip was about, getting in the living before the shattered.” Because that’s what we’re all doin’, baby! Godspeed, Kim.

  2. Florence Olson says:

    I think you are an admirable individual who does the best that she can. I believe you are a honest and loving person. I have nothing but respect for what you are doing and think your mother is very lucky and proud to have you as a daughter. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

  3. Pingback: Fear and Sadness | Kids say :

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