Seesaw

I am currently awash in wine (all my cells have little tiny scrub
brushes and they are fully immersed in a lovely Macari chardonnay – thanks
Joe!) and thinking about the fact that today it is two months to the day that
we return to Hawaii. I was just sort of rounding off but Keanu pointed out that
it is the exact two month mark today. I am happy to go back to Hawaii which
makes me feel like a bad person. I believe that my mother loves, loves, loves
having us here more than she could, would or will ever say. Tonight when she
got home from dog stuff, completely unprompted, she told me that she was
tearing up in the car thinking about us going back. She said that she didn’t
know what she was going to do. Again, I feel like a bad person.

On the opposite side of the see saw is Keanu who is yearning and pining
for us to come back. He pushed the pause button on his life and can’t wait to
push play again. These opposing emotions from the people I love in my life make
it difficult for me to pick a side for my feelings to be on. I think that
ultimately, from what I know today, from the feelings that I feel right now
(mind you, these feelings are imbued with wine), the happiness to return to
Hawaii and Keanu outweighs the sadness of leaving. I don’t know when that shift
happens. When the family that you have created on your own, the family that you
have married into and given birth to pulls just as strong or stronger at your
heart than your own mother. Or maybe for me it has more to do with proximity of
dates. Maybe it is more like a balance than a seesaw. The Keanu side has more
weight now because we are closer to returning home.

In the end, I feel torn. I am unsure if this entire experiment was a
success or a failure. It may be too soon to tell. I wonder what my mother would
say if I asked if she would want us to do this again. I know what Keanu would
say. Ultimately it may come down to how success is measured. Happiness v.
miserableness? Number of incredible memories created? Or just the being there;
just being there for the regular things. The walks up to the bus stop. The trip
to the ER. The pinworm eradication. The sitting down and eating dinner together
every night. We were all in it together and honestly the just being there is
kind of kick-ass. It is, as a friend told me, not the fancy outings or the
special trips, it is the day-to-day slog that sticks with you, in a good way. Ultimately
it may just be the being together that ends up making this an endeavor that has
met all of its goals. Or maybe just ask me again later…..

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About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
This entry was posted in Hawaii, New York and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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