Well, it has been over a week and I have not blogged. I have tried to blog in the past week. I have started blogs and not finished them. I have emailed partially written blogs to myself at working thinking that I would find the time or inspiration to finish them. I have debated funneling some work frustration into a blog topic but couldn’t decide if I was appropriately masking those I was writing about to not foster any further discord in my life. That blog has not been published. Unfortunately I think that my blog is suffering in the same way my life is right now.
I may be unhappy regarding the current state of my life at the moment. It may be incapacitating me. Or it could just be that pretty soon I am going to turn 45. 45. When you turn 45, you no longer round down to 40, you round up to 50. My friend Joe tried to tell me that regular math rules don’t apply to age but I don’t agree. This year my mother is going to turn 70. That is a shocking number. A shocking, shocking number. Of course, you would never know that my mom is going to turn 70. She has more spunk than me.
Today we cleaned out my son’s room. We live in a one bedroom apartment and he has the bedroom. We sleep on a futon in the living room. We do not have enough space. Not having enough space spurs you to purge often. I am good at purging. I like it. I like it when we create the sense of more space, even if it is untrue. We did that today. We shifted things around. Generated one bag of garbage. Sorted toys. Put things in their place. A false sense of doing something. That is what I feel my life is recently. A false sense of doing things. Things that may or may not be of importance. Just moving things from one place to another to make it seem that there has been progress but really like one of those games with the shifty plastic pieces, it has all just been moved about. Of course, approaching my actual birthday, I intend on creating a plan. A long term plan to initiate the changes that should be done in our lives. Changes that, as my son continues to get older, need to be done. I am not a good planner. I am good at procrastinating. I am good at letting things fester. I am good at obfuscation. Shifting the bits around to create the illusion. Hopefully the 45 thing will break me out. Because festering, is not a good place to be.