At Odds

So around ten years ago, when I was considering taking the job I am at now, I wondered if I should. I wondered if I would be asked to promote views that I did not personally agree with; asked to write persuasively for a stance that I didn’t support. I knew that I would have had a problem with that. I guess that what I thought I knew about my organization was not true because I have never had a moral qualm doing my job. I had never had to do something that I found to be personally objectionable. That is until quite recently, and of course the way that this occurred was not in any, way shape or form something that I would have predicted.

This thing, it made me feel uncomfortable; deep inside; and the first time that it came up, I said no. I made a judgment call on the spot and I did not do what was expected of me. I felt good about that decision. And that on-the-spot decision was not received well; my judgment called into question. That reaction was kind of unexpected but I was still OK with my actions. Of course, a couple of days later, I was put in the same situation. This time, against my better judgment, against my being, I did what I did not want to do. And I have not felt good about it since. Like I lost a piece of myself. This very well may be over exaggerating the situation, but what do you have, if not your own personal integrity, even if it is over things that others may believe to be trivial.

Then what if, you do this thing, this thing makes you feel bruised and rotten inside and instead of feeling comforted by those closest to you, instead you are made to feel even worse. Instead of understanding there is anger. And there is silence. And you feel very alone.

This has been my life for the past day or so. Come today, things seem to be on more of an even keel with everyone. Everyone else but me. I still do not feel good about what happened. I feel unresolved. I feel sad. I can’t change what has happened. I can only try to move on and never allow myself to question a choice I have made; one that I know deep inside was the right one, no matter what anyone else says.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
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