Binding Ties

I am not married. Some people think that I am. I have been in a relationship now for over seven years. It seems that we may be close to the nine year mark (after a brief consultation.) We have lived together for quite some time in a very small Makiki apartment. We have a seven year old son together. We have become a family. We don’t really fight. We do things together. We enjoy each other’s company. Our son is being raised in a stable home despite no paper, no legality, no rings and no ceremony.

My significant other? Boyfriend? Fiancé? Father of my Child? There is no appropriate descriptor. Significant other says nothing and says it with no feeling. Boyfriend makes me feel like we are in High School. Fiancé is sort of untruthful although in my head I think we are engaged. Father of my Child sounds like something you would call someone you were leaving. In a messy way. So I have no good label to give LKY. I am open to suggestions.

At first, I didn’t want to get married for financial reasons. He was kind of a financial mess (maybe kind of still is a financial mess). Had some debt. I was concerned. That was the first big reason to not say yes. To keep it all separate, like church and state. Sometime later I found out that any existing debt, prior to marriage, remains attached to the one and does not become married debt. So really, the debt reason is kind of non-existent. So now, really, the only reason would seem to just be my inability to commit. Or maybe, I am just assuming that he would just marry me at any time but really he also has an inability to commit so my inability to commit makes his inability to commit a wash. When we were looking at the services offered at one of the hotels we recently stayed at on the Big Island this past weekend, one of the things they offered was to just arrange your marriage. Like if you called them. On the spot. We jokingly discussed it but of course, I can’t commit.

I wonder if this inability to commit is a product of my divorced upbringing. Or maybe it is all my mother’s fault who, for as long as I have known her, as far as I know, was with two men (my father and then the guy next door), both wildly inappropriate for her for differing reasons. Because of that, her ability to find fault in the male species knows no bounds. I would love for her to be in love. To find someone that shares her interests and ability to embrace life. Unfortunately, on the brink of 70 years of age, I am unsure that this will happen. Thing is, without the societal pressures to make me get married, I am unsure if I will. My mother, my entire life, stressed that I should be able to take care of myself, generated from the fact that she was forced to work in a fast food place when she got divorced. So I have never let anyone take care of me, it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder what that would be like. I can’t conceive of it. So maybe, really, the whole marriage thing for me is more of a control issue. To not be able to give in. Or it really is just about commitment. Or maybe the entire thing doesn’t matter at all. Or maybe it does.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
This entry was posted in Parenting, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Binding Ties

  1. lavagal says:

    Get married. If he is good enough to share a son with, then why deny him your whole heart? Do not marry with your sights set on forever but on the now. These are the days of richness and love and memories down the road. These are the days and hours and breaths you share, that only exist for the two of you. Marriage isn’t perfect. None of us is perfect. But when we pair our hearts and face an unknown future, it is how we let our love know that we will face it together. Do you wish to avoid divorce? We all do. Scars on our hearts are tougher than the smooth and untested parts. How close do any of us come to walking away each day? Quite. But not quite. Love, me.

  2. Enhee says:

    I just finished filling out an Australian visa application for my daughter. Checked the box : de facto partner where the application asked about our marital status. Made me also wonder why we are still not even thinking about marriage after 8 years of relationship and two kids. Maybe it is the unpredictability of life in general reflected in our inability to commit, the infinite appeal of control and freedom, comfort of knowing that I am immune and independent and therefore indestructible by forces outside my control. I don’t know if I will ever change my mind but status qua is pretty great at the moment.

  3. Mick says:

    Far be it from me to comment on such a personal subject but you asked. I would never suggest to someone to marry or not to marry because I truly feel, to each, his own. It is not my business and what ever makes you happy is what you should do. Who are we to judge?

    My own personal philosophy is this…If you walk this edge of being one step away from marriage, aren’t you just as close to walking away from it all? There has to be that commitment. Otherwise it is just too easy to walk away, too easy to hurt or neglect the other. With marriage comes a responsibility to care for the other person, as we all need to be cared for ourselves.

    Reading this back it seems as though I approached this subject from a negative perspective but then there is the other side of marriage. A true love for one another. The ultimate feeling of I am not in this alone. Someone you can rely on, a permanent bond that lets you know that you are truly loved. Marriage is a beautiful journey in which it is no longer about you or me. Everything is now about us and we. Love is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world and I do not believe you can genuinely experience love until you are a married couple.

    I wish you and LKY (I like to think of his name as Lucky) all the best. Know this, if he truly loves you, he will not let you get away. He will insist on marriage because he does want part of you, he wants all of you.

    Ke Akua Hoomaikai Oe

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s