I am not married. Some people think that I am. I have been in a relationship now for over seven years. It seems that we may be close to the nine year mark (after a brief consultation.) We have lived together for quite some time in a very small Makiki apartment. We have a seven year old son together. We have become a family. We don’t really fight. We do things together. We enjoy each other’s company. Our son is being raised in a stable home despite no paper, no legality, no rings and no ceremony.
My significant other? Boyfriend? Fiancé? Father of my Child? There is no appropriate descriptor. Significant other says nothing and says it with no feeling. Boyfriend makes me feel like we are in High School. Fiancé is sort of untruthful although in my head I think we are engaged. Father of my Child sounds like something you would call someone you were leaving. In a messy way. So I have no good label to give LKY. I am open to suggestions.
At first, I didn’t want to get married for financial reasons. He was kind of a financial mess (maybe kind of still is a financial mess). Had some debt. I was concerned. That was the first big reason to not say yes. To keep it all separate, like church and state. Sometime later I found out that any existing debt, prior to marriage, remains attached to the one and does not become married debt. So really, the debt reason is kind of non-existent. So now, really, the only reason would seem to just be my inability to commit. Or maybe, I am just assuming that he would just marry me at any time but really he also has an inability to commit so my inability to commit makes his inability to commit a wash. When we were looking at the services offered at one of the hotels we recently stayed at on the Big Island this past weekend, one of the things they offered was to just arrange your marriage. Like if you called them. On the spot. We jokingly discussed it but of course, I can’t commit.
I wonder if this inability to commit is a product of my divorced upbringing. Or maybe it is all my mother’s fault who, for as long as I have known her, as far as I know, was with two men (my father and then the guy next door), both wildly inappropriate for her for differing reasons. Because of that, her ability to find fault in the male species knows no bounds. I would love for her to be in love. To find someone that shares her interests and ability to embrace life. Unfortunately, on the brink of 70 years of age, I am unsure that this will happen. Thing is, without the societal pressures to make me get married, I am unsure if I will. My mother, my entire life, stressed that I should be able to take care of myself, generated from the fact that she was forced to work in a fast food place when she got divorced. So I have never let anyone take care of me, it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder what that would be like. I can’t conceive of it. So maybe, really, the whole marriage thing for me is more of a control issue. To not be able to give in. Or it really is just about commitment. Or maybe the entire thing doesn’t matter at all. Or maybe it does.