Sometimes I get really worked up about things. Politics and policy, sometimes it just comes pouring out, or it can’t come out and I am like this pressure cooker ready to blow. I think part of it is that I spend half of my working life out in the external environment where, truth be told, I cannot be myself. I turn into this pale, semi-me version of me, appropriate for public consumption in mixed company. It is like being on stage and performing for your harshest critics, whose words in a review could sink your show entirely or cause you to lose your starring role. It’s like that. Or at least, that is how I feel.
Take the SCOTUS ruling today on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act’s individual mandate. Yesterday, luckily I was office-bound all day but waiting on the ruling was making me anxious. I felt like I do when it is final decking day at the legislature and I am not down at the square building. Unable to focus, I would go for afternoon walks, often ending up unannounced in a soon-to-be-retiring senior vice president’s office. I got the impression that he was feeling as I was due to his impending departure. It got to the point where his assistant expected me every day. This went on for a good while, right up until I left for NY. While I was lucky enough to return prior to his leaving the organization, it is times like this when I wish he was still around. He is a thinker and he is innovative and we would discuss whatever came to mind, work related or not. So yesterday when I was feeling particularly restless, the void he left behind, for me personally, felt gaping. There is no one to take his place.
This morning I popped awake at 4:22 a.m. Hawaii time, perfect SCOTUS ruling timing. I have to admit that the ruling made me pretty happy (not just based on the fact that this was my prediction.) I truly believe that some time, years from now, we will be wondering what all the fuss was about. This afternoon was a meeting of folks who have worked closely with the ACA and I had decided to treat myself to a café mocha before going. Between this poorly judged move and my pent up unspoken discussions on a couple of external meetings the week before, I was truly in rare form. Perched on my mile high soap box, hopped up on caffeine which just increases the speed at which I talk (which is always borderline NY fast), it was a no-holds-barred, over the top outpouring that left the meeting attendees with wind swept hair and disheveled clothing. I hardly came up for air while invoking my NY right to utilize every hand-talking trick in the book. I would say that it was all out of me then, but soon after the meeting ended, I reprised this performance to some degree during a discussion with my standing rogue co-worker (see my guest blog at www.being808.com). Now at home, I feel slowed down, after a bit of beer and some bad for you fast food; I am spent; satiated and happy. Ready to put on my game face on again tomorrow and head out into the world.