The other day the school sent home forms with the 7 year old. They included stuff like giving him blanket permission to take the bus on school field trips, use his likeness in advertisements and list who is allowed to pick him up from school. Generally LKY and I are the only ones who pick him up. But then you look at that form and you think, well, who would do it if there were some kind of emergency. I can’t imagine a situation where this would occur….we both managed to get away from work and scheduled a lunch together and the building collapsed on both of us? I have some time on the way to meeting so I stop by his office and a bomb threat in the downtown area prevents either of us from being able to get in our cars to go to school? But then, anything could happen. So the only person that I can think of to fill in the like six extra lines of “people who can pick my kid up” is LKY’s mom, who is pretty great. She is the only one.
I tried to think of someone else. Someone that I could list. Someone who would be my people. No one came to mind. This has made me really depressed. The fact that, well, let’s just admit it, I don’t have any friends. I know that sounds drastic. And I know that people will disagree with me. However, they would be incorrect. In the immortal words of my high school geometry teacher, Mr. Pepper, friends are people you see outside of where you know them, acquaintances are those you see only where you know them. (This is the only thing I recall from geometry and demonstrates why I did poorly in math.) So, yes I would agree that I have a lot of acquaintances, for sure. There are a lot of people I know and like at work. There are parents of our preschool hui who I like when we have preschool hui get-togethers. I like some of the people that I associate with due to work. Thing is, there are like three total, of these people, over all these categories who I see outside of where I know them.
Now I can fully admit that this is my fault. I am generally going from morning till night on weeknights, squeezing in workouts after the 7 year old falls asleep (generally between 8:30 & 9:00 p.m.) and trying to blog at least once during the week. Somewhere along the line I somehow made the decision to not put myself first. I am OK with that. I know that is not what the experts say. They say I need more “me” time and I should find time for myself. Know what? It’s not going to happen. Know why? I am a control freak. Believe me, if I could fly that plane I would and I would feel much better about the whole flying experience. It’s like that. So for me to take some time away, I would have to give up control. Loosen the schedule. Allow later bedtimes and disregard of Kumon. Let my hair down. Damn near impossible.
But let’s just say I could do that. Tell LKY, hey I’m going to have drinks with….oh yeah no friends…well maybe I could rope someone in, like my co-worker who is one of those scant few who falls into the friend category. (And I would like to take a moment to thank the three or so folks who hang out with me from time to time, you guy s rock!) My other problem is that I feel that I have lost all social skills. That I no longer have the ability to function as an adult in social settings. Maybe that was all sucked out of me along with all that breast milk, who knows. As I write this, I can hear the people I know, again, disagreeing. Thing is, this is how I feel. I feel socially awkward sometimes. Like I want to end the conversation. Run away. This is not the way to make or keep friends.
In my heart, I know that this is not a good way to live my life. So I am reaching out this weekend to one of my oldest friends who, although he lives like a ten minute drive from me, I haven’t seen since Christmas. Does anything get lamer than that? Not really. Maybe that is easier for me. To reconnect with someone instead of trying someone new. At least it is a step in the right direction. To have more names to fill in those blanks. Maybe next year.