You know when you see those people on a show like Law & Order and they kill someone because they are mentally ill and have gone off their medications. And they went off of them because they were feeling fine. And they were only feeling fine because of those medications. And then you sit there so smugly, judgingly thinking how silly they are. Clearly the medication was making them better and clearly going off of it would result in their symptoms recurring. So, so silly. Because you would never do such a thing. Until you do.
I have been on hormones since the peri-menopausal monster reared its ugly head causing me to go through fits of depression, anxiety and a general inability to focus. And the hormones totally worked. They ironed me out. No more deep valleys. No more roiling anxiety. And it was good. And it was so good, I decided to stop taking them. Part of it was based on my feeling better. Part of it was based on the unfortunate effects the hormones had on my menstrual cycle. Part of it was to see if I miraculously lost a whole bunch of weight. But, to be truthful, it was really more along the lines of a science experiment. Maybe I am better? Maybe I don’t need them and I just don’t know because I am always on them.
So I stopped. I stopped for months. I stopped and I was OK. Until I wasn’t. Until the day I was at work and had to leave because my brain had a mind of its own and I could not focus enough to do any tasks. Beginning just about a week ago, almost every day my anxiety level was off the charts and my depression so inescapable that at some points I was almost crying at my desk. I kept saying to myself, tomorrow, tomorrow I will start again. And then I finally did. It has been less than a week but I am already more myself. I can still sometimes feel the pull of it all, the slight sadness or a tinge of uneasiness but I am able to function. It is muffled. In the background. And the ability to put that in the background makes me want to do things. Makes me remember that there are still things that I want to do. And that is important.
So now I know that I am just like those people on TV. Those people who stop taking their meds because they are better. That what is seemingly ridiculous to an outsider makes perfect sense to the person doing it. I’m just glad that I finally bit the bullet and went back on my medication. I am relatively certain that I will not be engaging in a like experiment for quite some time.