Lately, I just feel done with Hawaii. Collective gasps can be heard from all the people who have dreamed of coming here. Dipping their toes in the blue, blue waters of Waikiki. Sipping Mai Tai’s at Duke’s. Lounging poolside. Viewing the volcano. They are all cursing me collectively at this moment. I don’t care.
I have lived here long enough to realize that, generally speaking, everyone leaves. Maybe that is a misrepresentation. Maybe if I had bunches of money and I could fly back and forth between here and NY whenever I wanted to, there would be no issues. If I could fly in my family, along with my mom’s dogs (it’s the only way she would come and it would have to be a private jet since she would never put them in the bottom of the plane) and all for Christmas every year, maybe then it would not be so difficult. But I think that for most individuals this is not an option so instead, we go without. Go without spending Christmas and Thanksgiving with our families. Go without blowing out birthday candles together and giving hugs on Mother’s Day. And maybe when you are young, and foolish, you think that there is a lot of time for these things. There is so much time that if you miss some, or a bunch, or over a decade’s worth, there will just be more time. More time, that is some time later than now.
And then, at some point you realize that time is really a stingy bitch. She sometimes arbitrarily decides that certain people just get no more. They are cut off. Their time is done. And in many instances, there is not much to be done for that. The time that was supposed to be, that some time in the future time, just vanishes. And you are left with nothing.
I have tried to do things that make this work, this yearning to be with my mother. I am not going to lie. It is mostly just my mother. It is why I quit and moved and lived her in her tiny cold house and even shared her bed since there was no place else for me to sleep. She just keeps getting older. And while she is the most stubborn healthy seventy something I know, I realize that her time is not as long as it used to be. No matter how you slice and dice it.
Unfortunately, there are no easy answers when one parent’s family is all here and the other’s is very far away. In fact, there are no answers. And I think about this because a friend of mine has been mulling over the same issues. And she put out some feelers, just to see what would happen and bang, she is out of here. She has a job and will be leaving in two weeks. Her husband will stay behind for a bit taking care of the odds and ends. But she made it happen. And I can’t lie. I am jealous. Yes, it is easier because they are going back to where both of their families are. So the decision was mutual. It is where they both want to be.
I continue to try to make it work better for me. I have an ambitious summer plan that was approved by my ever-supportive boss who I am ridiculously thankful for. In the end though, I don’t know if it will be enough. I don’t know what will ever be enough. I just continue to hope that time is on my side.