I have not been feeling well. I have not been feeling well since the last month I was in New York visiting my family. I was having heart palpitations. I had a bad ocular migraine (like a regular migraine, all the aura, none of the actual headache usually). I had insomnia a few nights, which I would not wish on anyone. I had a burning sensation behind my eye. And that side of my head hurt. I tried to see a neurologist but by the time I could get an appointment, I would be back in Hawaii. At some point in NY I realized that my gum over my eye tooth was a little sensitive. Not the tooth, just over it at the gum. I thought maybe it was because I was grinding my teeth, something my dentist says that I do.
On my first day back to work here, the tooth actually felt a little sensitive. I called my dentist and made an appointment for the following day. As the day wore on, it got worse so I called back and asked if I could come that day. They said yes. When I got there, they took an x-ray of my tooth and informed me that I needed a root canal. Like right then. On the spot. My dentist started explaining the procedure to me but once he got to talking about the pulp, I asked him to stop. The actual procedure was not that bad. It was gross and long. And I almost passed out at one point. But it was fine. I was put on antibiotics for the infection in the root. The root of my eye tooth that is way up in my face, under my eye. I was feeling hopeful that this was it. The answer. The solution. And, I actually think that it was, mostly. Although my eye sometimes still seems overly sensitive so I take off my glasses. I can’t see but it feels better that way. I am going to see the eye doctor soon.
Then, on Friday, while running, in the first mile of my run, I had an ocular migraine. If you do not know what it is like to have an aura, you are lucky. For me, it starts in my field of vision. It ls like when you look at the sun and the light is temporarily burned into your eye and stays with you. It’s like that, but then it doesn’t go away. And then, I have this light show going on in my field of vision. Squiggly geometric shapes that eventually work their way to the edge and disappear. But while I have them. I can’t see. I can’t drive. So there I was, one mile into Manoa. Like an idiot I ran out of the valley one more mile before I walked the rest of the way home. By the time I got there the aura was done. I drank some electrolytes. I IM’ed with my boss.
Then, all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to pass out. And just as quickly my heart started pounding. Racing. I called 911. I hung up. I called my significant other. He stayed on the phone with me and said that he would come home. He got home and told me I should to the ER (I had been there about two weeks ago for said migraine symptoms where they pumped me full of medications and fluids). I did not want to go. But I felt like I was going to pass out. We got in my car. We were in front of the Makiki fire station when I told him that I did not think that I could make it. I told him to go to the fire house. We pulled in and knocked on the door. They were so awesome. They took my blood pressure and pulse. They gave me water. And most of all, they were not concerned. They helped me slow down my breathing. I ended up in the ER again. In the ER, they asked me some questions, they gave me something to “relax” and they put me in a dark room. When this is the treatment you get in the ER, basically, there is nothing wrong with you. My official papers say that I was treated for a migraine. They make no mention of my feeling faint. Or anything of the like. Like it didn’t happen. Apparently, it was an anxiety attack. A panic attack. Although, no one said those words to me, except my significant other. Whatever it was, it was something that did not need treatment. It is also something that I never want to experience again.
There is a chance that perhaps my issue is hormone related. I have taken the plunge from pre-menopausal to menopausal (sort of) and I need more help balancing my hormone levels. I had my blood tested and looked at the ‘meaningless to me’ numbers that were made available to me. They made more sense in graph form, compared to the same test a few years ago, they were all showing a giant downhill drop, like a ski slope. I plan on talking to my gynecologist tomorrow, or at least her physician’s assistant.
I have to say that I feel like I have been left to my own devices by my primary care physician. And I don’t like it. I want her to help me. Guide me. Reassure me. Instead, the last time I saw her, she asked what we should do. This is not a question you ask a medical googler. I really want her to be the voice of reason but I also want to feel like she gives a shit about me. And I’m kind of not feeling that at the moment. I am hopeful that this will pass. That I will start to feel like myself. Instead of a sad faker of me. Because it’s no fun feeling sick. Even if everyone tells you that you are not.