Everyone Likes Strawberries

 

It is the end of the year. It is December. Close to Christmas and my son’s 13th birthday. There are so many things to be done and I continue to mostly not do any of them. I find my self preoccupied with my own internal musings. My own gloom and doom outlook. All of the things that could go wrong.

I am trying not to but sometimes it is hard. In a world of undoing healthcare and taking away public lands and restricting access to contraception and awarding tax breaks to those least in need of it. I am sometimes questioning many things. What am I doing? What have I been doing? What should I be doing? Is it just too late? Have I let my own fear prevent me from doing what I should have, could have done? It all seems to feed into my ever continuing existential crisis. And I don’t know how to get that out of my head.

I know that I need to let things go. I know that I am lucky. That I am blessed. I know these things. But it is still difficult. A friend was recently diagnosed with a serious disease (thankfully her prognosis is very good). I think of that and know that I should just let it all go.

I am trying. I keep going to church. I can honestly say that I love just being there. There is something about its physical structure that just speaks to my soul. The Musical Director spoke during a service recently and he compared the Cathedral to a “thin place” which he explained is a term used to describe a place in time and space “between heaven and earth that has grown thin. A place where the sacred and the secular meet….a porthole into the spiritual world” (to paraphrase a bit). This appeals to me. Deep inside. And I do believe this because I feel it. I feel it when I am there.

I try to take that feeling with me. When I am not physically at the Cathedral. I suppose that is what Father Moki would call, keeping Jesus in your heart. Perhaps that is what it is. For sure, I hear Fr. Moki’s voice sometimes. And this happened to me this weekend. I was approached by a homeless man asking for money in the parking lot of Safeway. I initially turned him away but then I remembered that Fr. Moki had told us that he does not give money to people but will ask if they want food. After putting the groceries in the car, I found this man and asked him if he wanted a sandwich or something. I was expecting a request for, I don’t know what but he asked me for fruit and I ended up buying him a container of strawberries. And I tell this story, because it makes me feel badly. And it makes me feel badly because of how surprised I was that this man wanted to have strawberries. But then, he is just like me, except homeless (and apparently a Marine veteran) and I like strawberries. So why shouldn’t he want strawberries. But I hate that this choice surprised me.

But I continue trying. Trying to not be surprised. To not think that someone else, maybe not as blessed as I am, would like strawberries. Because I know that that could be me. Could have been me. That the decisions made could have been completely different. That nothing is guaranteed. And that is what I am trying to keep in my heart. To keep in my head. That everyone likes strawberries.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
This entry was posted in Aging, family, midlife crisis, Relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Everyone Likes Strawberries

  1. An Old Friend says:

    Crazy times we live in. The national parks land give away got me. I hate the thought that the land will be used for development and we will lose that part of nature. Moves like this, and the health care insanity, continue to harden us internally and externally.

    I love that you are still visiting your church. I told you that you would like it. I go myself at least once per week. I like to just sit there with my thoughts. The entire environment really calms me and I find that I have more clarity on subjects that may have been troubling me.

    Church may not give you the answers you are searching for. It certainly will not empower you to make changes in Congress. But it can calm your soul and ease your troubles. Perhaps that bit of well-being will help you in dealing with these external issues that are bothering you. Stress is terrible and your health is the most important thing. Get that right and you will be a better person for yourself and for your family. With the stress removed and you start feeling better on the inside, the outside you will shine and you will then know what to do, just like helping the homeless veteran by buying him strawberries.

    Take care of yourself. You and your health are important to the people in your world.

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