What If

I have been stalking the NY vaccination sites for days. I wake up in the morning and try to see if I can schedule my mom, my aunt and my uncle. I plan my days around the top of every hour just in case that is the time when it opens up. I obtained pertinent information from my aunt, just in case I needed it to make the appointment.

The other day. I was doing laundry at my friend’s house. It is what I do every Wednesday. And I planned my driving to his house so I would not miss eight in the morning just in case. At some point during this morning, I checked the site and I think that it had the vaccination in the drop down menu, allowing me to set up an appointment. I can’t lie. I nearly fainted. I sort of hyperventilated. And almost passed out.I almost felt like I couldn’t do it. But I did. Or I thought I did. And I did it for my mom. And I did it for my aunt. And for my uncle. The menu prompted me to provide information on how I heard about the Northwell site. It asked for insurance numbers. It wanted me to take a picture of the ID cards. I did not have much of this information for most of my relations. The site assured me that I did not have to provide it.

I made them all. And I just burst into tears. I called my mom and told her to put it on her calendar. I called my aunt and left a message on her machine. Half crying. 

Once I had finished (all appointments on February 1st) I went back to the site to see what was available. And on the drop down menu, the vaccine was no longer there. And then, the doubt started creeping in. What if I just chose to make an appointment but it was not for a vaccination? The text that they sent me does not say what the appointments are for. They do not mention vaccines. I tried to call. The woman on the phone was super helpful. But she told me that she could only tell me about the appointments scheduled for today. She could not look and tell me about the February 1st appointments. She told me that I could find out on that day. I did ask if there had been vaccine appointments available today and she said yes. Hopeful? I’m not sure.

My friend kept telling me that I have made vaccination appointments. But I just don’t believe it. And that is me. That is me always questioning myself. The self doubt. Since then, I have been trying to schedule backup appointments, just in case. Today, for my mom, I got all the way through to the “register” part at one of the further sites before the page just crashed.

Then tonight, I received a text from a new number saying that they could not accommodate the vaccine appointment. I am hopeful that this was for the up island one that I made for my mom today. The back up one. Then I got an email cancelling my uncle’s one. For sure. The email was addressed to him. But it was the only email that it got. So I am hopeful that my aunt’s and mom’s appointments stand. But I am not sure. What if that text message was for one of those? I just don’t know. And just now, I may have made two appointments for March in Stony Brook but I don’t know about those either. The site said that the sending of my email confirmation failed and now there are no more appointments available. 

I admit that I called my aunt today crying to tell her that my uncle’s appointment had definitely been canceled. She was so great but I just want it to be scheduled. I want to know that they will get it. I think that it is harder because my son was contact traced out of school today. Yesterday he sat across from a girl at lunch who is positive. They were outside but he is quarantined at home until the 26th. And that means that I could be exposed if he does get it. We have no space to truly separate. My aunt kept telling me that I should not stress. But it was the sheer happiness factor in scheduling those appointments. That may have been taken away. And, right now, it sort of feels like, that is all I have. And that it has all slipped away.

About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
This entry was posted in Aging, family, fear, New York, patience, Relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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