Feeling Trapped

Today was our first semi-normal Saturday since returning to Hawaii and I don’t know how I feel about it. All day I felt like I should be doing something but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I dragged the family to Target at the crack of dawn and did a bunch of Christmas/birthday shopping. It seemed as if we were there forever but we got a lot done and I spent (ok charged) a bunch of stuff. I tried not to buy my son too many crappy toys; unfortunately most toys sold today are pretty crappy. It was OK though and they had the two things he actually asked for which was a bonus. My heart wasn’t really into it but it was something that needed to be done.

When we got home I still had that nagging feeling, there was something, something I should be doing but I couldn’t figure it out. I took out the Christmas stuff, helped my son with his catch-up math homework and made sauce. Keanu went back and forth between volleyball on the TV and volleyball online. I have to admit that I have gotten used to life at my mom’s house which really did not include any screens. Mom rarely watched TV; she would put it on to see what the weather forecast was; she was kind of obsessed with it. She also watched this show about this ugly, big lipped, large earred stuffy doctor who fainted at the sight of blood on PBS, Doc. Marten. She called him her boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I feel like I should be doing something; it’s what I’ve gotten used to; always doing something. This feeling though, it makes me feel anxious and antsy.

I guess as much as I want things to be the same I want them to be different. Today, it just felt the same, the same, the same and it made me sad and it made me re-evaluate the things I have been saying about my NY trip. It was so easy to say how everything was bad. How I got nothing out of it. How it was all for my son and my mom. Of course, these simplistic musings cannot be true. My entire life was changed, some parts for the better and some for the not so much better but the entire thing was not a wash. I had more time on my hands, to cook, to read, to spend with my son, to drink wine, to see my two very best friends, to just be, more than I may ever have for the rest of my life. I would like to think that I took full advantage of it but now being back and seeing the incoming, I can’t be sure. I have grown closer to my son while in NY; so much so that he seems to always be calling out for me and not his Dad out of habit. I know that this will change. I hope that more will change. Normal yes; trapped no.

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About nematomorph

Living like the rich and famous, splitting time between Hawaii and New York.
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One Response to Feeling Trapped

  1. mauka-makai says:

    have you ever done headstand in yoga class? if not, try downward dog (or learn safely how to do a headstand). the inversion (upside down-ness) will help with perspective. love and hugs.

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